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Did I Do the Work? Doubtful

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Cheryl Strayed (yes, I am totally going there again – please excuse my obsession) once said, “Did you do the work and did you do it like a motherfucker?” and I keep thinking about this.

How often have I NOT done that.

How often do I REALLY do the work I need to and do it in full force.

Yesterday was the first day of the summer session I teach at the community college.  As I was going over my first day bullshit, I started to talk about the value of actually immersing yourself in the course.

“If you are going to pay for the class and show up, you might as well do the work and get something out of it, right?”

A classroom of heads nodded in agreement.

And I had a moment gone Strayed and mentioned the quote…kinda.

I introduced Strayed and bits and pieces of her writing and why I love her so.

And then said, “So, prepare yourself. I’m dropping the F-Bomb on the first day of school”

People stared.

I think that I kinda freaked them out.

“At the end of the class, you should be able to answer Stray’s call to action: ‘Did you do the work and did you do it like a motherfucker?'”

People smiled.

Nodded their heads.

Someone gasped and said, “She did NOT just go there” while other people started to giggle.  I even got a fist pump.

And the conversations started.

The class admittedly got a tiny bit off course.

We talked a bit about books we have read that have inspired us to change.

People wrote down Strayed’s name and her books.

And we started to talk about what it means to “Speech like a motherfucker”

And I was pretty impressed.

Now, granted, I was a TINY bit worried about the F-word being thrown around my classroom as freely as a beach ball – not really wanting to set the “We can swear all day long in my classroom” mentality emerge.

But, I was also amazed.

People were EXCITED about the class (and NOBODY is EVER excited about public speaking) and we came to a conclusion as to what “Speeching like a motherfucker” would look like this summer.

(YES, speeching is totally a word, now)

And we decided:

1. Come to class and be PRESENT.

2. Familiarize yourself with the book.

3. Turn your work in on time.

4. Ask questions and work with a peer-group.

5. Take ownership of your own behavior in class.

6. Enjoy the opportunity to learn.

7. Focus on the class when in class.

8. Leave your excuses at home.

9. Do the work.

10.  Don’t complain.  Just do it

Kinda crazy deviation of the first day.  But, it was fun.  And people were excited to set the stage for the class and decide what it means to do something like a motherfucker.

I mean, really. How often do you get to do something like a “motherfucker” in class?

Not, too often

(albeit, I have had assholes and fuckers in many of my classes, sadly)

I’m hoping that the energy of that first day and the attitude of really digging in for 6 weeks and really creating a powerful learning environment is sustainable.

It will be interesting to see how the course pans out. Will people put in the work to become successful students? Will they work like motherfuckers to overcome their speaking anxieties and learn how to write and present speeches?

Or, will they fall back on their old ways, neglecting their commitment and finding excuses as to why work didn’t get done?

And I know that part of that is my job. I need to teach and inspire and motivate like a motherfucker to ensure my students “speech like a motherfucker,” too.

Possible?

Absolutely.

I mean, shit.  If you have an opportunity.  ANY opportunity, really. You should take it head on, do the work – and do the the work like a motherfucker.

But, in thinking this through, I started to realize that maybe I am a tiny bit the hypocrite.

In real life, I have been sitting on this idea for awhile.  It was pretty inspiring to see a group of students talk about what it means to go full force in something so they can succeed.  It is great to see the energy and transformation of thoughts of students when you present something in a light that is nontraditional.  I always have spoken about taking advantage of being in college, but never in this way.  But, this worked.

But, now

I question how I will act.

And I started to question how often I actually do the work I need to do to become successful.

And honest analysis tells me, not nearly as much as I need do.

And not nearly as much as before.

This time last year I was a focused and determined student.

I think that I wrote nearly 100 pages of the first draft of my dissertation in 3 days.

I was in class.

I was teaching.

I was playing mommy.

I think I was still fully embracing my Bitter Divorcee identity.

I was focused and determined and putting the work in.

And it payed off.

It paved my way to some small wins and successes.

Now?

Not so much.

My efforts and my energies have slowed down radically.

I am getting close to finishing so many big projects.

Dissertation.

Book chapters.

House reorganization.

Mini-business ideas.

Writing gig proposals.

Articles.

Essays.

Stuff.

And it all hangs precariously 2/3s done.

I can’t seem to find the will to finish.

Anything.

I am dragging my feet.

Seeking distraction.

Spending time doing things that really don’t create a path to any where.

I move without intention or focus.

I’m wandering.

Now, like that great quote, “Not all who wander are lost,” (J.R.R. Tolkein) I know I am not lost.

I’m stalling.

Procrastinating.

Waiting.

Hiding.

Cemented in place.

I KNOW I am not getting the work done that needs to be done.

I am not writing nearly enough.

I am not reading nearly enough.

I am not editing (at all).

I’m opening an endless line of documents that need attention and looking away the second the tiers of words open up on my computer screen.

And WHY am I not putting in the work?

WHY am I not putting in the work and working like a Motherfucker?

Fear.

Of course.

I think that is what stops most of us from moving forward in anything in life.

Fear.

What can I possible be fearful of?

Well.

I finish my dissertation – and then what?

It’s been a life-jacket for the last few years.  One of the only things that has kept my head above water these last few years.  If I don’t have that…what do I have to keep me distracted from the emptiness of life?

Why don’t I finish chapters of books I have written and left for forgotten?

It’s overwhelming.  What do I do with them? What if nobody likes them? Wants them? Will read them or publish them?

Failure.

I think that I have found a place of comfortable discomfort in life.  The unfinished projects I have are all connected intricately to a past that I am so close to shutting the door to.

And I’m doing OK.

I’m OK with my life-vest and safety goggles and all this protective gear I have accumulated these last few years trying to survive and get by.

When I finish projects, the assumption is that I move on.

And I’m not quite sure I know how to move on without my safety net.

And I question.

Am I strong enough? Smart enough? Prepared enough? Experienced enough? Brave enough?

Enough?

Enough to move on without my survival kit?

And I don’t know.

My inability to put the work in and work like a motherfucker to finish these projects tell me that, NO.

NO.

No I am am not enough to move forward, yet.

Will I get there?

Yes.

But will I get there if I continue to stall?

Hard to tell.

Do I want to move forward?

Yes.

But, again.

I am not sure if I am ready.

I’m not sure if I hit the point of “enough.”

And so I stop.

I have stopped.

I’m treading water.

Avoiding the inevitable.

Change.

Logically, I know even if  I never finish any of these projects, life will go on.

With or without me working to my potential.

So perhaps it is the emotional movement that I am afraid of.

Life can go on.  Jobs and titles and reality can change.

But, I know I can emotionally tie myself to this place forever.

So, I go back to my classroom.

Where students who were petrified with fear about public speaking were energized and motivated to start working like a motherfucker to succeed.

I need to practice what I preach.

I KNOW my students will succeed. I KNOW they will overcome fears, gain skills and confidence and grow in my class.

I trust them.

I trust me to help them.

So, I guess I need to flip the script.

Trust myself.

Trust the people who are there to support me.

And move forward.

Intentionally.

Stop wandering. Stop making excuses.

And write.

I need to put in the work.

I need to do it like a motherfucker.

If my students can “speech like a motherfucker” -

I need to get over myself and start writing like the motherfucker people know me to be.

 



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